


if this is it

by nightwideopen



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, No Smut, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, Vampires, Witchcraft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 22:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8303242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightwideopen/pseuds/nightwideopen
Summary: Louis returns to ask Nick a favor, and they both end up with more than what they wanted.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello. the opening four lines of dialogue came from a tumblr prompt and i stole it and ran omg. this fic sort of escalates into something that it wasnt supposed to be but im okay with it and.. for the most part its fine. also it doesnt make the most of sense if youre not in my head but i hope u can suspend disbelief and roll with it
> 
> i tagged graphic depictions of violence because some of the language i used was iffy
> 
> please read the additional tags for trigger warnings
> 
> title from love you goodbye by one direction

“I thought I told you to stay out of my bar.” 

Louis shrugs. “I thought you were dead.” He leans on the counter, elbows first. “You survived all four bullets, huh?” 

“You shot me _five_ times.”

“Can’t even tell. You look fantastic.”

It’s such a _Louis_ answer that Nick can’t help but slam the glass he was cleaning onto the counter. Louis is not remotely startled, still grinning coquettishly. It’s that smile that he does when he wants Nick to forgive him. Also when he has ulterior motives. He should be in Bulgaria by now, hunting down whatever special dagger he apparently needs to kill another one of his enemies. If Nick has learned anything in the past few years, it’s that Louis has a lot of enemies. 

What Louis doesn't know is that Nick forgave him the moment the first bullet left the gun. They'd been fighting, as per usual, and it was Louis’ fault. Nick still blames himself anyway. 

The barstools start arranging themselves on the tables. “Shouldn’t you be long gone by now? Thought you were too busy to be bothered with me anymore.”

“How could I move on from my favorite wizard?” Louis pouts. He sounds offended, looks genuinely upset, but it’s part of his act. He thinks he’s charming. 

“I’m not a wi– What do you want, Louis? You wouldn’t have come back if you didn’t need something.”

Before Nick can finish blinking, Louis is behind the counter and stood right in front of him. There’s no heat coming from his body, rather a cold air surrounds him, like he’s harboring winter inside of him. It bleeds into Nick’s space, causing him to shiver. 

“You do know I’m a pathological liar, right?”

“Among other things.”

Louis is so close to him, so close that Nick has to cross his eyes to properly see the perfectly square end of his nose, the freckles on his cheek that bizarrely resemble the Summer Stars. It stirs up feelings that Nick has worked for months to repress, that he thought were gone. They've been through this, hit the highs and lows, and decided that they can't do it. As much as Nick still wants wants _wants_ , he can't have. 

“You caught me.” The grin returns. And it’s accompanied by Louis fiddling with the ends of Nick’s spotted shirt. He really is pulling out all the stops for whatever it is he wants. He knows how to get it, too, because Nick’s heart is fluttering. “I was… hoping you could help me out with something.”

They both know that Nick will do it without a second thought, whatever it is. He puts up a fight anyway. “And what’s in it for me?”

“That depends on what you want.”

“You know what I want.”

“You want what you can't have.”

The lights in the bar flicker.

“Lou, I–” Nick never could control the verbal sentiments. He's much better with solid objects. “Look, just tell me what you want and you'll owe me one, alright? We'll be here all day trying to negotiate.”

Resignation becomes evident in Louis’ posture. “Sure, sure.” He doesn't miss a beat before saying, “I need you to kill me.”

Knees suddenly weak, Nick nearly stumbles backwards. “You– what? I can't _do_ that.” 

“And why not?” Louis is actually disappointed this time, no theatrics necessary. “Is it because then I can't repay you? I can get someone to–”

“No.”

“Pardon?”

“No.” Nick regains his footing, straightens up and stands his ground. “First off, you're immortal. I don't have that kind of power, or the supplies. Second, I'm not going to kill you. You must know hundreds of other witches, get someone else to do it.”

Nick turns to leave. He won't have this conversation, nor reveal the real reasons for his refusal. It's non-negotiable. He won't do it. 

“Would you at least just hear me out?”

Normally, Louis would be standing in front of him, using his superhuman speed to one-up Nick at every opportunity. But he's stayed in place, let Nick create a distance between them that's both figurative and literal. 

So Nick lingers by the door, staring at the wall beside it that's littered with fliers. “Why did you try to kill me?” There are lots of missing dogs in this town. 

“I– I didn't. I'd just hoped you'd want revenge.”

The implication that Nick would ever think of hurting Louis isn't something he ever needed in his head. So he focuses on counting the green thumb tacks and regulating his heart rate. 

“How long have you wanted to die, Louis?”

Nick accidentally catches Louis’ eyes in the reflection of the glass door. 

“Do you want an estimate or the exact date?”

“Estimate will do.”

Louis sighs dramatically. “Since the 1400’s.”

He's told Nick about this before. So Nick knows vaguely about the nature of Louis’ suicidal tendencies, about how they stem from centuries of loneliness, longing, profound loss on all fronts. Nick knows how much Louis hates being a monster, how much he's regretted every kill, whether it was inadvertent because of the crippling bloodlust or simply for sport as he looked for something to make him feel more… alive. 

Nick does Louis the favor of actually facing him, and Louis returns it by closing the distance between them at a more human-like pace. He searches Louis’ face for any sign that he's going to falter into his sarcasm again. Moments like these have always been so far and few between, and Nick doesn't want to disturb it. Pure, honest, raw Louis. It's not something that everyone gets to see. 

Louis’ eyes look like they're searching, too. They're looking for a way out, and Nick sees that now. He's hurting. The mere continuation of his existence takes away from others’, goes against the very nature of life itself. It's why witches don't bother with vampires; they're a disturbance. But Nick has never seen it that way. He's always felt stronger around Louis. Now he has to be stronger _for_ Louis. He won't let him throw his life away. Louis sees his immortality as a curse, and by the origins of vampirism, it is. To Nick, it's a blessing. Louis can have as many do-overs as he'd like. Louis can be anyone he wants. 

“I can't kill you, Lou. I love you too much.”

Louis looks as though that's exactly what he didn't want to hear. 

“But that's why I know you _can_. You love me enough to not want to see me suffering anymore. Nick, please. You're my last hope.”

The places where the bullets went clean through Nick’s abdomen have been hurting a lot lately. Phantom pain where the scars sit wakes him up at night, have him keeling over his morning tea. Sometimes he imagines them rattling around inside of him. Those are the times when he resents Louis and he's unable to pretend that he isn't furious. 

“You're not suffering, Louis.” His tone is unnecessarily biting. “You make yourself suffer. Everything you do hurts someone else and you don't even realise it. You could be happy if you tried. Hundreds upon hundreds of years and you couldn’t find a shred of happiness? Pushing everyone away then complaining that no one cares? _I_ cared. I cared about you more than anything and all you did was throw it in my face and try to kill me. And for what? You tried to kill me because you were _bored_ , is what I think. You've got all the time in the world, and all you've done since you've been turned is throw it away making everyone pay for your mistakes, _your_ loneliness. So don’t try to make it my problem, when I spent years trying to show you that I wanted it to be. It’s too late..” 

_Cared,_ he said. In the past tense. That’s absolutely not true and they both know it. If Nick didn’t still care, he wouldn’t be so upset. He wouldn’t be denying Louis the sweet relief he so yearns for if he didn’t still give a damn about the love of his life living or dying. 

Nick turns to leave. He really doesn’t want to entertain the notion that he just might agree to Louis’ request on account of his rage— It would burn a hole in his heart deeper than the bullet wounds to even think about killing the only person he’s ever cared about, the only person that’s ever even pretended to care about him. His boots are loud on the creaky wood floor, and each step rings with his lingering anger as he retraces the steps he took towards Louis during his monologue. The keys clang against each other, still swinging where he’s apathetically shoved them into the keyhole.

“Lock up, would you? You know where the keys go.”

He knows he’s being cold, but it’s best for both of them this way. Louis should know that. He’s the one who said it in the first place.

“Wait! Nick!” The door closes with a bang. Unexpectedly, the keys jangle. 

“Please,” comes Louis’ voice softly. “Just hear me out.”

Nick’s fists clench involuntarily, but he sighs, resigning to the pull of his heart rather than the reality in his head. He should get in his car and drive away, considering he’s already got the door open.

“Get in,” he grumbles instead. When Louis hesitates, “I’m not gonna ask you twice.”

It’s awkward silence the entire time, from Louis’ footsteps crunching on the gravel to the clip of their seat belts. Classical music comes pouring in from the speakers, loudly, when Nick starts the car because he always forgets to turn the volume down _before_ turning the car off. He scrambles to turn it down, but careful not all the way. The quiet he can do, but the silence would be maddening.

“I didn’t think you still cared.” 

They’re at a stop light, two blocks away from Nick’s house. It’s a drive they’ve taken dozens of times, each trip creating its own special kind of bittersweetness in Nick’s memory.

“Of course I still care, Louis. _You_ broke up with _me_ , remember?”

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Louis fiddling with the bar keys.

“Yeah, but I figured since I broke your heart and all… I mean, you’re still pissed, obviously. And I’m sorry, but. Most of the reason I want to die so badly is because I didn’t think I had anyone left. You were the last straw, the last person I had to lose. I blew it.”

“You didn’t _lose_ me, Louis.” Nick is more than exasperated by how stupid Louis is. It’s worse than he remembered. “You _shot_ me, then you _left_.”

Louis laughs, and it’s lined with tears. Nick does him the favour of not looking over. He figures it’s best to keep driving as the conversation progresses, taking every turn until they’re further from Nick’s house than they were before. They both need the distraction.

“I don’t have very good communication skills, do I?”

“Positively abysmal, I would say.” The music hits a crescendo, and Nick’s heart starts beating faster in time with it as Louis shifts in his seat. “Just tell me what you want Louis. I’ll do anything you ask, but I’m not going to kill you.”

“Don’t you _see?_ ” Louis whines. “I want _you_.”

Nick hits the brakes a tad too hard. He can feel his face flush.

They’ve stopped in the middle of the road, and Nick fumbles over himself the turn the music off completely, lest it increases the dramatics of the moment to more than his fragile heart can handle.

He turns to face Louis, both hands gripping the steering wheel. “You don’t mean that.” The words come out in a rush of air that his lungs had inadvertently held captive. “You said it wouldn’t work. You said we weren’t _working_ and that’s why you fucking _shot me_.”

Louis’ eyes are much too earnest for him to be lying. Nick refuses to believe it anyway. He refuses to believe for a single second that Louis has put him through hell and back to end their relationship only to say he wants in again. He’d never toy with Louis’ heart like this. But then again, it’s their vast differences that had them crashing together in the first place. It was the Big Bang of Nick’s life than he knew would reshape his world forever. Louis’ elements collided with his in a way that was never meant to work. They were never meant to work and they somehow decided that they didn’t care. They tried it anyway. But here they are, after being torn apart by their opposing forces, their polar attraction pulling them together again. Louis wants this. Annoyingly, so does Nick.

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“You don’t get to decide that.”

“Then who does?”

Nick throws his hands up in the first dramatic gesture since the conversation took its turn. “I don’t know! The universe? The demigods? Certainly not you. You came here asking me to tear you limb-from-limb and now you’re asking for me back? What are you playing at? Hoping if you break my heart again I’ll wanna do you in this time?”

Louis shakes his head, looking down at the keys once more. Like this, he looks so small, so young and truly like the twenty-one year old he was when he was turned. Nick is rounding thirty now, and though Louis is hundreds of years older than him, he feels like he’s fighting with a kid. He gave it all up for a _child_ who saw the world through his own hand-crafted lenses.  

The key to Louis’ flat in the city is on that keyring. He picks it out of the bunch.

“I found something to live for, Nick. You’re something that I want to _live_ for. I get if you don’t believe me because I’ve been a real knob but I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I wasn’t happy when you met me– No, I wasn’t happy _until_ you met me. You knew that. You saw that in me. My whole world changed when I was with you and the centuries I’d lived didn’t matter anymore.” He continues to talk at his own key. “I want that back. I want to feel something again. Coming back only reminded me of what I’d lost– Of what I ran away from. I thought I was hurting you by being with you and it was stupid and maybe I really am still just a kid and all I know is that I miss the way I feel when we fight over whose turn it is to walk the dogs and who gets to sleep by the window and who forgot to buy the fucking milk for our tea and–”

Nick’s hand on his effectively shuts him up. He won’t kiss him, not yet. Louis doesn’t get to spill his guts and immediately get what he wants like a cliché movie hero.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Louis.”

“I know and–”

“No, listen to me. You’re an idiot for leaving, you’re an idiot for coming back, and you’re an idiot for everything in between.” Nick uses his powers to turn the music back on telepathically. “We can’t go back to normal straight away. But I do hope you’ll consider digging your gigantic head out of your arse and trying to make up for the last two years I spent with these scars and painful memories.”

Louis smiles, his pupils just slits when he finally looks up to meet Nick’s eyes.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. Or at all. But I’ll spend everyday apologising, I promise. I didn’t mean… I just–”

“Shut up, Louis.” He smiles back, his scars stinging in protest. 

But what do they know?

He puts the car in drive, flicking the radio to a 80s Pop hits station. Louis baffles Nick by knowing all the words and riffs and instrumentals. Nick baffles Louis equally by knowing the same.

It feels different this time, like the world has finally started turning again. It feels like the chemicals inside them have given up the fight, have resigned to having to live in harmony with each other. The air around them is content, and the far off stars that they came from have finally burnt out, content with what they created.

They’re two broken halves of something that was once whole. They’ll glue themselves back together again, and the gears will creak and grind in a way that shouldn’t work but does.

“I love you,” Nick says to the shadow of Louis in the dark that night.

Louis is asleep, so he doesn’t say it back, but he lets out a content sigh like his unconscious has heard, and is finally at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know please dont yell at me. Kudos and comments make my Heart Soar please leave them :)
> 
> talk to me if u wanna ! 
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/louisandpig) | [tumblr](http://nightwideopen.tumblr.com)


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